When I search google what a parent really is, it doesn’t even have one straight answer.
One site says they are the ones who cherish their children, another says they give birth to you,
create you and the other says they're the ones who raise their child.
In my case, the only thing which was true is that they gave birth to me.
When they gave birth to me they were probably confused with this meaning of ‘parent’:
‘’Things that act as the source or owner of something else are also parents, like a parent company that owns the local bookshop. The Latin root is parere, "give birth to, produce."’’
Especially the part that says: ‘’owner of something’’.
They believed they owned me… Being raised with two parents who believe they own you and you have to do as they say… Well, to keep it short. It doesn’t give you space to form an identity or sense of self.
I’ve stopped making youtube video’s for a while, but I do wanna keep sharing my progress and right now writing is easier for me. My energy has been very low lately, because of all the information that’s coming my way. All the ‘’new’’ things I’m figuring out about my life. All the lies I’ve been told ever since I was born. And the mere fact that I was never the bad guy.
My parents were.
It annoys me, because all these fucking love and light IG accounts keep saying
look from your heart and whatsoever. I fucking tried and tried and tried until
I couldn’t anymore.
When I stopped trying, I found out I don’t have to look from my fucking heart.
I don’t have to feel empathy for those fucking idiots.
Are you FRIKKIN' kidding me!?
My dad chose to abuse me.
My mom chose to ask me to cover the bruises.
My brother chose to rape me.
My mom chose to look away.
When I did speak up…
My parents chose to put me away.
My parents chose to shush me.
My mom chose to manipulate me.
My dad chose to stand by her side.
My mom chose to stay with him.
They chose to protect themselves at the cost of their daughter.
I don’t have to feel sorry for them. Hell no.
Yes, my mom has been raped, which she chose to tell my little brother after
I told him my side of the story. Do I feel sorry for her? NO. She did not go to
therapy for help, she just wanted attention. She didn’t want to change and heal.
If she did, I would have been there for her, but she didn’t.
In their eyes I wasn’t cherishable. Gosh, I was a failure in their eyes. And you know why?
Because I chose to speak up. I chose to break the chains and they chose not to!
It looks shitty for me now. I don’t have a fancy house or a car, I don’t have my whole family having my back.
To say the least… No one in my family chose to stand with me. I did it all alone and I am still doing it all alone.
Because I chose to. My mom was too afraid to do it alone and so now I have to do it alone.
She could have come with me, but she chose not to. My dad as well. My little brother as well.
I gave them the opportunity to do it with me, but they didn’t want to join me.
I chose to change every single day from the day I knew what right and wrong was.
I chose to be good every day and for a while it made me a people pleaser…
I thought that being ‘nice’ all the time was being good, but when I found out that doing
what is good for ME is ultimately better for the whole damn world, I changed again.
Today, I will be the good guy in some peoples lifes
and the bad guy in others. In other peoples life I’ll just be a bypasser and that is okay.
I don’t have to be perfect for you.
As long as I am perfect for me, I am what I need and what the world needs.
In the long run.
At the end of the day, I know that if one of my children gets raped I’ll stand by them.
Even if it were my son/daughter or husband who did it.
If my husband would rape or abuse my daughter or son, I will leave him.
Even if I have no money, no place to go. Even if I’m scared.
I know I will do that, because I already did that. Alone.
Something my mom was too afraid to do with me.
I did it and I am doing it and I will keep doing it.
Even if it means I don’t have the fancy stuff or a billion ‘friends and family’.
I have something they’ll never have.
Communication, justice and love.
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